“Hey you, pretty Stanka!” ~ Oscar Wilde on Bulgaria
“Tell me what you eat and I'll tell you how to go to the hospital.” ~ Brillat-Savarin on Bulgarian cuisine
“A gypsy is like a person, but not quite.” ~ Volen Siderov on Gypsies
Motto: "Съединението прави салата. Шопска салата и ракията също."
Anthem: "Шатрата" by Rumaneca i Enchev
Capital Varna (during the summer) and Sofia (during the rest of the year)
Largest city Dupnitza (in translation: King of the Holes)
Official languages Turbo Pascal
Government Mafia-owned Territory
National Hero(es) Levski, Simeon I, Hristo Stoichkov, Boiko Borisov, Ken Lee, Jesus, George Bush, Sergay Stanishev
Declarationof Formation "More lee7sauce plz"
Currency LEURO (One "L" better than Euro)
Religion Auto-theism - all bulgarians believe that God is Bulgarian.
Population 7.1235 million
Area 2,772,800,000 matchsticks²
Population density -1.10³ people per square metre
Internet TLD .hacked.by.bulgarians
Bulgaria borders that backstabbing Romalandia to the north, that vodka-drinking Serbia to the west, that nasty Macedonia to the south-west, that sneaky Greece to the south, that vomit-raising Turkey to the south-east and that especially arrogant Black Sea to the east. Bulgaria has always had fine peaceful relations of brotherly love with all of these neighbours, the only exception being the Black Sea. The thing is that Bulgaria and the Black Sea have had a very prolonged and fierce territorial dispute. The predominant belief among Black Sea dolphins is that the fishy smell of the average Bulgarian proves their ichthyo-generic origin and justifies all territorial claims on Bulgaria. Bulgaria, in turn, has claimed the entire bottom of the Black Sea on ethno-historical grounds, as Bulgarian science has shown that the Black Sea dolphins are nothing but Bulgarians who have lost their feet and developed fins. They have been urging the dolphins to abandon their false identity, come out and reveal their true Bulgarian nature, citing the well-known saying "Bulgarian, Arthropod or lying". Recent Bulgarian studies have proved beyond any doubt that, contrary to what had been thought previously, Bulgarians were the absolutely first biological species on Earth, and only after a long and painful development did the first amoebae manage to evolve from them. The Pacific Ocean-based Institute of Bacterial Heritage has contested that claim.
Anyhow, the resulting wars have been mostly a failure for Bulgaria, as new and new parts of the shore have been sliding down into the sea. While constant defeats have caused Bulgaria to abandon military means during the last fifty years, the conflict has remained a sore point and mentioning the existence of the Black Sea, as well as wet things in general, is still perceived as offensive in public as well as private discourse.
Until recently, it was not known where the first Bulgarians came from, but new studies suggest that they emerged from eggs, laid by dying dinosaurs in a last attempt to save their species. Professor Jeremy Clarkson of the British Institute of Triassic and Cretaceous History (B.I.T.C.H) states in his studies that the average Bulgarian's bone structure is not unlike that of a 20-meter tall herbivore. He also believes that Bulgarians secretly eat trees and lay eggs, but keep these facts a secret in order to be accepted by human society.
In the 7th century, Bulgarians established their own state by physically beating up Byzantine Emperor Constantine IV and forcing him to give them part of his territory, as well as his lunch box and weekly allowance. In the following centuries, the physically superior Bulgarians continued to beat up everyone who dared question their might. It wasn't long before they realized their dream to conquer vast territories that stretched to the shores of 3 seas. The Aegean sea was used for drinking water, the Adriatic sea was used for urination, and the Black sea was used for defecation, hence the name. The undisputed Bulgarian hegemony in Eastern Europe however, ended in the 14th century, when Bulgarians discovered that rotten fruit makes great alcohol. This resulted in heavy drinking and a hangover that lasted approximately 600 years, a period generally recognized as a blank spot in history. When Bulgarians finally sobered up, it was already 1990, the Black Sea had backed up, and they were living in a puddle of shit.
The situation only worsened when the Bulgarians realized that in their drunken stupor they had signed the Warsaw Pact under the Soviet puppet regime of 1955. In order to make up for this the crafty North American Empire convinced Bulgaria to join them in their crusade against the rest of the world. Bulgaria now happily serves the North American Czar as a member of Not A Terrorist Organization (NATO).
Labour and Social Politics
Bulgaria has grown beyond the need for any social politics, as the majority of the population are already successful entrepreneurs. As a consequence, Bulgaria has 0% unemployment and is in constant need of foreign workers. The average bulgarian salary is 10000 leuro per hour, which is enough to buy 5 bags of chips Niki (which is why Bulgarians eat 5 bags of chips Niki per hour). These high salaries have forced many companies to hire cheap workers from Japan, Luxembourg and Norway, because they only eat fish and drink water.
Bulgaria produces some of the world's best known brands - Romika shoes (rebranded as Nike), Elka calculators (rebranded as computers), tomatoes (rebranded as tomatoes) and yoghurt (rebranded as Danone). Bulgaria is also in legal battles with Greece and Turkey over other exports such as white cheese, banitza, chalga and sex slaves. Undoubtedly, Bulgaria is most popular for its outstanding snack foods - Zayo Bayo, Lucky Boy, Crocky, Chipi Chips and Chips Niki. Bulgaria is also the leading manufacturer of hope in the EU with 67000443 metric tons of hope produced annually, mostly by pensioners hoping that their children will return from abroad.
Chips Niki: Chips Niki production makes up 87% of Bulgaria's GDP
Chips Niki is Bulgaria's top export. It is a brand of potato chips usually sold in transparent plastic bags soiled by grease and salt. Chips Niki is named after its creator - Niki (currently serving time in prison). The ingredients of Chips Niki are salt, potatoes, vegetable oil and pubic hair. Chips Niki is the number one cause of heart attacks and strokes in Bulgaria. It is also a major choking hazard for children, as the manufacturers put a little piece of paper inside every bag.
Bulgaria and neighbouring Romalandia were the first non-European countries to join the EUSSR. The aim of the organization was to finally gain enough economic strength in order to be able to produce and export as much counterfeit goods as Turkey, China and Vietnam put together, thus reaching full employment. Bulgaria and Romalandia have their sacred place in the EUSSR as they are the main exporters of highly intellectual labour force, such as agile beggars and the main producers of contaminated pork and natural fertilizers. On the EUSSR summit in the village of Khurd in northern Kosovo in 2006, the leaders of the organization decided to grant Romalandia the status of an "environmental disaster of the Balkans" and Bulgaria - "most cancer-struck nation" in recognition of the efforts made by the two handicapped nations in their fight against poverty and racism. The first representatives of the pork-eating nations in the EUSSR executive body (the EUSSR Commission) are Gheorghe Hagi, ex-football player, on behalf of Romalandia and Milko Kalaydjiev (chalga singer with large moustache) on behalf of Bulgaria.
Bulgaria has a beautiful green countryside with prancing ponies and unicorns. City pubs in Bulgaria are known and often closed down for offering special chemicals to enhance people's sexual organs. Some men become so "excited" that they have to relieve themselves in the toilet, or just outside it.
In the southern areas people tend to be less formal and more friendly. It is not uncommon to see locals bathing in the swamps. If you see these people throwing rocks at storks and urinating on top of their corpses, don't be alarmed. It's called "egret hunting" and you just don't understand it, so back off. If you're a foreigner and people smile and wave at you, don't assume that they're trying to communicate. You just look to them like a piece of tasty meat.
The most valued Bulgarian leisure is philosophy. Bulgarians enjoy immensely engaging in long, deeply philosophical discussions (the three most popular topics are soccer, politics and women) in taverns and basements. Some philosophers usually end up with stab wounds, gunshot holes or other injuries.
Every Bulgarian rightly considers himself an individual political party, soccer team, and rakia factory. Every Bulgarian is a champion at drinking rakia,and fastest at drving his own car, which happens to be the fastest in the universe. He is invincible in these qualities, so don't try any fancy shit.
The gaida (a bagpipe made from the mutilated corpse of a sheep) is featured in traditional bulgarian music. It truly smells of cheese and emits a tone more beautiful than love itself, or, at least, love with a cheese-scented folk musician. Recently, the gaida has been overtaken by the synthesizer keyboard, which has contributed a certain richness to the traditional folk music, resulting in the divine art of chalga music. Unfortunately synthesizer players are not thought of as sexy as gaida players; in the words of Tsitsa Greshkova (a well-known chalga singer) "I like a bag to squeeze". The gaida is also appreciated by goth women, who find the act of blowing air into a mutilated sheep corpse very arousing.
Bulgaria's national anthem is simply "Bulgaria, Bulgaria, Bulgaria" (repeated 67 times), followed by "We are a moderately hospitable country!".
The country's most successful pop singer is unlikely Englishman Fred 'Calypso' Alston....his first album 'Baba get your kecks on, the chorba is nearly ready' sold upwards of 3 copies and was at the top of the Bulgarian charts for 23 years.......the follow up 'Kolyo stop sticking your nuts in my soup and wine up ya waist' went platinum and grossed..no particular figures here..it just grossed.................Fred is currently working on his next live album provisionally entitled 'Ginka shake dat ting at me, back it up!, back it up!'..........he is due out of rehab in March 2024.
Bulgarian Heroes (Българи юнаци)
Bulgaria is like a factory for heroes, so drink milk and don't forget that Santa doesn't exist.
* John Atanasoff - the first man to discover the computer and subsequently that jerking off in front of one is quite pleasurable.
* The first mythical Bulgarian hero was called Banica. He was bornone thousand three hundred thirty-seven years ago and was the first man to ever shoot porn. He currently resides in a Florida retirement community and collects a monthly pension of 2340340349923 US dollars for his one thousand three hundred and seventeen years in the workforce.
* Another famous Bulgarian hero is Batman, also known as Ivan Prilepov. His taste for tight latex clothing forced him to flee in late 1957 from then authoritarian Bulgaria. Since then he's been fighting crime in Gotham city, West Germany. His faithful sidekick, Robin, is actually a young Roma boy Batman picked up as a love companion.
* Mayor of the capital Sofia by day, crime fighter / transvestite by night, Boyko Borisov is one of Bulgaria's heroes. He is known for his tremendous upper body strength and immunity to head injury.
* Tom Cruise is the biggest example of NOT being a Bulgarian.
* Dimitar Berbatov is famous for scoring over 4000 goals in his first minute with Tottenham Hotspur in the Premier League, as well as scoring with over 400,000 British women. He also enjoys scoring off, underscoring, and high-scoring in Pac-Man.
* Uncle Bulgaria. The first bulgarian to ever leave Bulgaria.
* Kresnislava, a famous prostitute from Varna, discovered a miracle cure for pubic lice - having so much sex that even they run away in disgust.
* The most famous pop star in Bulgaria is Pavel Shopov as known as "the deadly moustache" because no woman can resist fainting after a kiss from this man. It was later found out that he had a piece of rancid spaghetti hidden in there.
* Ken Lee (If you live in a hole and don't know who Ken Lee is, look it up on Youtube so that just maybe you won't end up being an ignorant retard for the rest of your life.)
* Vladimir 'The Sausage' Nadenicata was Bulgaria's first major porn star. He appeared in many successful porn films, including 'Terminutter III', 'Enter, the Fist!' and 'Penis-nocchio!'. Tragically, he killed himself at the age of 69 after a skateboarding accident left him with no balls.
* Krasimir Koev. The leader of the Bulgarian horseback warriors.
* Take off your watch while in Bulgaria. You should probably leave home everything of any importance to you before visiting Bulgaria. If you are an American president coming from Albania, don't worry - your watch has already been taken care of.
* Be careful when taking photos in Bulgaria. Bulgarians do not know what a camera is, so when you use it, they'll think you're putting on a funny mask. Never show the photos you've made to a Bulgarian because they'll immediately understand what a camera actually is and steal it.
* Bulgarians throw their trash directly out of their balconies. Never walk too close to residential buildings, because there's a chance you'll be buried in junk and never found again.
* Never try to outdrink a Bulgarian, especially when Rakia is involved. You will die a slow, painful, alcohol fueled death.
* In Bulgaria pedestrians have no rights. If a pedestrian sets foot on the street, drivers speed up. For any pedestrian you run over during the year, you can write off as much as 1000 leva from your taxes. The rule of thumb when you approach a crosswalk in a car is: 1) Speed up and/or rev your engine; and 2) Open the driver's window. This is obviously done so: 1) pedestrians should learn they can't cross the road where it should nor where it shouldn't be crossed; and 2) if a pedestrian shows you an inappropriate gesture, you can do so yourself and return the favor.
* Never go to a football match in Bulgaria. There's about an 80% chance you'll either be killed or severely maimed during such an event. Football is the main cause of depopulation in Bulgaria as spectators either kill each other, or if they're very lucky, get away with being kicked in the balls. Either way, they lose the ability to reproduce, which is probably a good thing.
The most popular bulgarian newspaper with opera singer on the cover
When discussing Bulgarian music, one must also mention chalga, which, although not really music, is the most popular musical genre in the country. It could be described as soft porn with vocal accompaniment, since the performers are mostly women, consisting of more silicone than flesh, and some gay men, consisting of more hair gel than body hair. Being gay is a plus, being a gypsy is a plus, and being a gay gypsy can guarantee you immediate success. For a female, having extremely large fake breasts is absolutely all that's needed to become a Chalga super star.
In short, chalga is the ultimate proof of Bulgarians' inherent masochism.
The more extreme variations of Chalga (Turbo Folk, Turko Chalga, Kyuchek) performed by gypsies, are to Bulgaria what gangsta nigga-tzigga rap is to the USA. Entertainment for people with the brain of a teletubby, or medical treatment for the clinically deaf. In short it's the Bulgarian equivalent to manele.
Turko chalga performers all tend to wear silken reddish (olive greenish) suits made in China, towelly socks, mullet haircuts and "knitten" shoes made in Greece and costing up to 3 euros per kilogram.
Usually each "kyuchek" song starts by a short introduction in Turkish or Gypsy language, briefly describing the beauties of a girl with large breasts and of unknown parents. The intro is followed by a melodic tune,pouring out all of the misery poverty, helplessness, hate, disappointment, hunger, thirst, inflammation, and craving for rakia, which extends to more than 6-7 minutes, interrupted only by the occasional sound of a broken bottle/window, dog barks, and fluent swearing.
Such music can only be consumed along with several kilograms of alcohol.
Chalga is actually the most powerful media in the Bulgarian Empire, it can be felt at its best at 'clubs' such as Planeta and Chas Pik (Rush Hour). In the latter, it seems like there is a special show each Saturday with lots of girls dressed in Buckhingam Palace guard uniforms; the female soldiers march waving the Chas Pik flags and then take off their uniforms while dancing kuchek. Watching this awesome show, one can easily figure out that the 500 years of Ottoman rule have surely left their mark, though somehow we've picked up the worst traditions and customs, as always. The ultimate power of the Bulgarian Empire is focused in the hands of the exalted crowd gathered around the female soldiers, their hands holding their cool camera cell phones, decorated to capture the greatness of the Bulgarian Empire with the means of latest technology.
WARNING: This is how the typical chalga listener looks. Please donate a small portion of money for a worthy cause to burn the cheap products used in the picture and potentially unscrew the minds of the helpless.
With great chalga influence, Bulgarians developed their own special style. This style is called "nejen feshan". Most nejen feshans deny what they are but still try to look as ridiculous as possible. Being a nejen feshan involves the males to get into from an early age begin to wear: jeans that are so tight that their small penises are protruding, shirts that are 10 sizes small and the sleeves (if there are any) fit like they do on a little girl, they also love to gel up their hair so much that it resembles a pointy triangle or an apartment building, they never take off their shades (indoors or outdoors) which have a 7:1 size ratio with the eyes, and last but not least, they wear other accessories, for example, an earring worn only on the left ear, some cheep necklaces with beads they find on the ground or steal from homeless people, and not to forget the most important element, a bandanna in the color of pink, yellow, or lime green. A habit this kind of people always have are taking pictures of themselves at least 19 times a day and posting them on a social networking sites.
Bulgarians have the strangest intellect known to man. When sober they are the second most mentally challenged people alive, next to Creationists. However, under the influence of alcohol (especially Rakia) they become remarkably clever (they still act retarded, but the work they put down on paper is nothing short of brilliant).
* After they created the Earth, Bulgarians doubled the national science budget to create a new planet where they'd be able to watch football without their wives - Pluto, but it was found too cold for alcohol to stay liquid. For that reason Pluto was abandoned and stripped of the title "Planet".
* In 3495 BC Bulgarian scientists discovered that 2 + 2 is 4. Three years later they proved it might be 5 depending on how many glasses of vodka you have drunk.
* In 833 AD the scientists of the Ruse Alcoholic Krylene Institute of Alcohol (RAKIA) discovered that the human could be sober if not drinking all day. It took five months to prove that condition because the experimental individuals could not be easily persuaded to drink the strange fluid chemical dihydrogen monoxide(water, H2O).
* As a result they proved that dihydrogen monoxide is not poisonous and gave it a shorter name - voda (because it resembles vodka).
* In 917 scientists of the Imperial Institute for Intestine Investigation and Internal Intelligence (IIIIII) discovered that the louder the fart the less it smells.
* In 1785 the Bulgarian Academy of Science, Technology and Revolutionary Discoveries (BASTARD) invented a machine-gun that could be fired by pigs. This resulted in a bloody conflict between white and black pigs that lasted 150 years. White pigs eventually won, which earned them a special place in the human diet.
* In 1974 the Bulgarian National Institute of Fecal Deformities discovered that the shape of the excrement = the shape of the anal canal divided by the density of the stool (Ω=ω/φ)
* On entry to the European Union in 2007 the Ministry for Environment and Water took very seriously it's remit to comply with the 'NATURA 2000' regulations and is well on it's way to meeting it's target. The Minister responsible, Kemal Gotagun, was recently quoted in the press saying 'By the end of this year only 2000 birds will be left in Bulgaria.'
One of the most important resources of Bulgaria is nuclear radiation, because it makes it's people in bulgaria very strong. The amount of radiation the average Bulgarian is summited in one day is enough to kill 2,000,000 normal people. While making it's people strong the radiation makes the people sick of fresh air, making fresh air the Bulgarians #1 enemy. dangerrads.jpg you will see many of these signs in Bulgaria
The Bulgarian language is rather easy (which is the reason why 99% of the population speak Russian, English, or Turkish). However many foreign businessmen only learn one phrase, which they learn from the many young language teachers who frequent the hotels and night-clubs. The Bulgarian language, similar to Russian, consists of forty-seven different consonants. Unlike Russian however, there is one vowel; it is written as ъ and pronounced as "Uh?". While Bulgarian has a large amount of consonants, it does not consist ENTIRELY of consonants like Russian or Czech. This is due to the Great Vowel Airdrop of the 1600s, where unable to pronounce their own language any more, the Bulgarians borrowed some from the Finns, which were then airlifted to Sofia via Santa's flying reindeer. Negotiations with Hawaii are under way to borrow some more vowels, but it is not known if this will be successful.
The easiest part of the Bulgarian language is its grammar, to be more precise: the verbs. There are only seventeen tenses (e.g., present, past, future, imperfect, perfect, almost perfect, possible future, past very long time ago, eternal past, last night but not this morning, future past in the perfect semi-present just to name a few), six so-called verbal aspects (perfective, imperfective, almost perfective, not quite perfective, dogshittive), and ten verbal genders (passive, active, renarrative, dubitative renarrative, conclusive, dubitative conclusive, mathematically challengeable but generally acceptable conclusive, submissive, dominative, forgive). On the other hand, the nouns have no cases, so that's a good thing. The whole of Bulgarian Grammar is presently being analyzed, digested and spat out in the forthcoming 20 volume "Current Trends in the use of the Present Perfect Ridiculous in the Balkan Sprachbund" by Professor Buzz Aldrin of the University of Somewhere-Unpronounceable-but-Definitely-Balkan.
* Bulgaria is the native habitat of the small three legged rodent, Mökki, and the four legged rodent - the rat.
* John Lennon never visited Bulgaria, although George Harrison may have composed "My Sweet Lord" after a particularly heavy night drinking Bulgarian red.
* Alf is an honorary citizen of Bulgaria.
* There are no bulls in Bulgaria, they were all slaughtered in 1994 as a tribute to Mickey Mouse. Later Bulgarians found out that American culture wasn't all that great.
* The Main tourist attraction in Bulgaria is watching gypsies steal something from a shop and then get chased away by semi-automatic gun wielding shopkeepers.
* Don Corleone from The Godfather is a born-again Bulgarian.
* Two of the six Power Rangers - Zachary Taylor and Tommy Oliver originate from Bulgaria.
* Bulgaria's longest mountain, Stara Planina, is a single fossilized dinosaur turd.
* Bulgaria became independent when Dimitar Berbatov kicked a football so hard it made Gorbachev's head bleed
* Shabla is the gay capital of Bulgaria, with over 200% of it's population being 'friends of dorothy'.
* In 2012, the Independence contract of Monkeydonia expires, and a reunion with Bulgaria will follow.
* The greatest bulgarian to have ever lived was Alexander Gorshkov, he later realized that the olny benafit the country had was no drinking age and left for the USA to live among the fat asses who watch football instead of "football"